


Tony's Eggcelent God-Aunt

by Ytteb



Category: NCIS
Genre: Gen, Humor, Team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-10 19:20:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17432015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ytteb/pseuds/Ytteb
Summary: The team find out about one of Tony's 'family' - of course, it's not simple.





	1. Chapter 1

_Minor spoilers for the Season 7 episode ‘Reunion’ …_

“Hester?” asked Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo as he walked with Special Agent Gibbs along one of the corridors in the George Washington University Hospital.  “Hester?  What are you doing here?”

Agent Gibbs realised he had lost his Senior Field Agent and turned back impatiently but schooled his face to calm when he saw that Tony had stopped to talk to an elderly woman in a wheelchair.

“Uh, Boss, sorry … this is Hester Barrington-ffolkes,” said Tony.

“Ms …” began Gibbs but he stopped as he realised he couldn’t remember the whole name, “Ma’am,” he substituted.

“You must be Agent Gibbs,” said Hester with a twinkle, “Anthony has told me all about you.”

“Has he?  DiNozzo, I’ll go on up.  See if Simcott is conscious yet,” replied Gibbs.

“Hester, what are you doing here?” repeated Tony as he nodded absently at Gibbs.

“Oh, I had a dizzy spell this morning.  Lucy, you know my neighbour Lucy, well she found me on the floor and insisted on calling an ambulance.  Such a fuss about nothing.  If she’d come a moment or two later, I’d have been up on my feet and nobody any the wiser!  But she’s a dear girl and I suppose I should be grateful.  But how are you, Anthony?  You’re looking tired, my dear.”

“I’m fine,” said Tony, “Busy, you know.  I’m sorry I …”

Hester patted his hand, “No need to apologise, Anthony.  I know you’ve got a lot to do …”

Tony nodded a little helplessly, aware that he could have made time to go see Hester but also aware that he had allowed too much time to slip by.

“Let me know what happens here,” said Tony, “I could come and see you if they keep you in.”

“Don’t worry about me, Anthony, I’ll be fine.  Lucy is around here somewhere.  And I think you have somewhere else to be,” she nodded towards the figure of Gibbs striding back towards them. 

“Simcott is still out,” announced Gibbs, “We’ll have to wait to interrogate him.”

Tony hesitated, torn between duty to Hester and duty to Gibbs.

“You go on, Anthony.  I’ll be fine,” said Hester.  “He’s a good boy,” she said confidingly to Gibbs, “He comes and sees his old god-aunt as often as he can.”

“You sure?” asked Tony.

“I’m sure, my dear, you go along.”

“DiNozzo,” said Gibbs, “We gotta go,” he turned towards Hester, “It was nice meeting you, Ma’am.”

“Likewise,” said Hester, “It was good to put a face to all those stories!”

Tony stooped to kiss Hester on the cheek, “I’ll see you soon,” he promised before turning to follow Gibbs out.

“God-aunt?” asked Gibbs as they walked to the car.

Tony grimaced, “Her mother was my Mom’s godmother.  Hester said she was Mom’s god-sister and that made her my god-aunt.”

“Huh,” Gibbs took a moment or two to disentangle the generations.

“She hasn’t got any family of her own,” continued Tony, “Which is why she focusses on me, I guess.  I haven’t seen her for a while.  I kept on putting it off …”

“Hey,” said Gibbs, “I know what it’s like.  I didn’t see my Dad as often as I should’ve.  It happens.”

“I guess,” said Tony looking back at the hospital for a second.

“You want to stay?” asked Gibbs.

Tony hesitated, “Nah.  She’s in good hands.  I’ll check on her later.”

“OK,” said Gibbs as he swung the car towards the exit, “Your call.”

NCISNCIS

“Grab your gear!” called Gibbs the next morning as he ended the call on his cell, “Dead Marine in Mount Pleasant!”

“Thank you for letting me know,” said Tony as he ended his own call.

“DiNozzo!  Move it!” snapped Gibbs, “Deal with your social life on your own time!”

“Yes, Boss, coming, Boss,” replied Tony.

A little later, as they worked the crime scene, Gibbs noticed that Tony had been unusually silent since they left the Navy Yard.

“How’s that lady in the hospital?” he asked.

“Oh, that was the call I got right before we left,” said Tony, “Hester died last night.”

“Sorry to hear that,” said Gibbs, “What happened?”

“Seems she had a heart attack … she just went …”

“At least you saw her,” offered Gibbs as a small consolation.

“I could have stayed,” said Tony, “I’d have been with her at the end …”

“You didn’t know, Tony.  And she wanted you to go … nothing you could’ve done.  And she was in the best place.”

“I know that, Boss.  It’s just that I think … well, I could’ve made more effort.  She was always pleased to see me but …”

“I know,” said Gibbs, “I know …  Hey, what’s that guy doing there, the one taking photos?”  Gibbs jerked his head towards a youngish man standing among the usual crowd of onlookers.  He gestured to Agent Bishop to go and investigate but, as she approached the crowd, the man with the camera beat a hasty retreat.

“He looked familiar,” said Agent McGee as he approached Gibbs and Tony.  “I’ve seen him somewhere.”

“He ran off,” said Ellie as she joined her co-workers.

“We saw,” said Gibbs curtly.  “Where have you seen him, McGee?”

McGee shook his head, “Can’t remember, Boss.”

“Not unusual, is it?” said Tony, “We often get people who think they’ll be able to sell the photos.”

“Nothing to see this time,” said Gibbs, “Ducky’s pretty sure that it was suicide.”

“Ducky said he’s finished,” said Ellie, “He and Jimmy are packing up now.”

“We’ll head back as well,” said Gibbs.  “DiNozzo, anything you need to do about your god – what was it?”

“God-aunt,” smiled Tony, “No, don’t think so.  She always said she’d made all the arrangements with her lawyer.”

“What’s a god-aunt?” asked Ellie.

“Her mother was my Mom’s godmother,” explained Tony.  “She said that made her my Mom’s god-sister …”

“So, she was your god-aunt!  That’s so cute,” said Bishop.

“I didn’t know you had a god-aunt,” said Tim.

“Didn’t see her very often,” confessed Tony.  “It was easier when she was able to go out, we’d go for dinner or stuff like that.  But recently, she couldn’t get out so much and … well, her apartment was a bit …”

“What?” prompted Tim.

“It was like a time capsule … or the place where time stood still.  It was a bit creepy …” said Tony.

“You might have to like it,” said Tim practically.

“What?”

“She might have left it to you,” said Bishop with relish, “The house where time stood still … and you’ll have to enter the time warp … and never be seen again …”

Tony suppressed a shudder, “Ha-ha!  And no, she won’t.  The apartment was rented.  I won’t have to live in a Hammer House of Horrors!  But thank you for that image, Special Agent Bishop.”

“Was she British?  Like your Mom?” asked Tim.

“Name like Hester … what was it?” asked Gibbs.

“Barrington-ffolkes.  Two Fs,” said Tony.

“Yeah, what he said.  I’m guessing she was British?” said Gibbs.

“Born British but she was an American citizen,” said Tony.  “Came to study here on a fellowship, got a job at the United Nations in New York and never went home.  I guess she fell in love with America.”

“Enough chatter!” announced Gibbs, “We’ve got work to do!  McGee, try and remember where you’ve seen that photographer!”

“Er, yes, Boss.  But why?  Like Tony said, it’s not unusual to have someone taking pictures.”

“My gut, McGee,” said Gibbs.

McGee nodded humbly.  The Gibbs gut was not to be questioned.

NCISNCIS

The MCRT worked cold cases for a few days and did not leave the office.  On the fifth day after the trip to Mount Pleasant, Tony took another phone call.

Gibbs looked up suspiciously; sometimes he thought it would be better if he confiscated Tony’s cell.

“You can?  That’s great, man … sorry, not _man_ , I mean, Jay,” said Tony, “I’ll see you in a few.”

Tony put the cell down and called across to Gibbs, “Hey, Boss.  Is it all right if I go out for an hour or so?”

“Why?”

“Well, you remember Hester?”

“The lady who died?”

“Yep, turned out that Bishop was right,” said Tony.

“You have inherited the House of Horror?” asked Bishop excitedly.

“No,” said Tony firmly, “No, like I said, it was rented …”

“Get to the point, DiNozzo!” ordered Gibbs, “How was Bishop right?”

“Turns out that Hester has left me something.”

“What?” asked McGee thinking that a mystery inheritance was more exciting than his current cold case.

“I don’t know,” said Tony.  He sensed Gibbs’ growing impatience, “It’s the contents of a safety deposit box.  The will doesn’t say anything more than that.”

“Perhaps it’s a box of _gold_ ,” said Bishop breathlessly, “Or diamonds!”

Tony laughed, “Hester wasn’t rich.  She was what my British grandfather would have called a distressed gentlewoman!”

“Distressed?” asked Ellie, “You mean she was unhappy?  That’s so sad.”

“No, distressed means not well off,” explained Tony, “She had enough money to live on but nothing much left over.  She was one of the happiest people I knew, very contented but she had a mischievous twinkle in her eyes sometimes.”

“So, why do you need to go out?” asked Gibbs.

“Oh,” said Tony as he remembered the beginning of the conversation, “The lawyer says I can go look in the box anytime I want but that the rental runs out any day now … First Mutual Bank is keen to get it emptied … and Jay just called to say now’s a good time.”

“Who’s Jay?” asked Tim, “She your latest?”

“Jay Danforth.  You’ve met _him_ , Tim.”

“When?”

“We ran into him on a case – you remember, that one where the three schoolfriends all got murdered at a bachelor party … one of them worked for an auctioneer.  Jay worked there as well.”

Tim frowned, “Oh yeah.  The guy who looked as if he had a bad smell under his nose whenever we were around.  You know him?”

“He’s not so bad when you get to know him,” said Tony.

“And how did you get to know him?” asked Tim.

“Funny thing.  Well, not funny hilarious but funny odd … and it’s a coincidence … and I know you’re not a fan of those, Boss but in the real world they do happen …”

“Get on with it, DiNozzo!” said Gibbs brusquely.

“Well, it turned out that Jay is a member of my men’s support group …”

“Just how big is this men’s support group?” asked Ellie.  It was a fair question as, over the weeks, it seemed that Tony had found a plumber, lawyer, yoga instructor, chiropodist, masseur and goldfish sitter from among his newfound friends.

“There’s a few of us,” said Tony evasively.

“And why do you need this Jay guy to go with you?” asked Gibbs.

“Oh, yeah.  Well, he’s an auctioneer.”

“Got that,” said Gibbs drily.

“And he’s British.  An expert on British antiquities …”

“But you’re not expecting gold and stuff?” said Bishop who was still clinging to her dreams.

“No, but I mentioned it to Jay, and he offered to come along and give me an appraisal of whatever’s in the box.”

“And what if it turns out to be stocks and shares?” asked Tim practically.

“Then I’ll ask Clifford to look at them,” said Tony, “He’s a financial whizz …”

“Let me guess,” sighed Ellie, “He’s a member of your group as well.”

“Well, he’s thinking of joining,” said Tony, “But he’s holding out … no, he’s one of my neighbours.”

“Go,” said Gibbs, feeling weary by this insight into Tony’s private life.  “In fact, we might as well all call it a day.”

McGee and Bishop stared at Gibbs in momentary shock: only momentary as they instantly decided to take advantage of Gibbs’ rare benevolence and grabbed their gear.

“They can move fast when they want,” observed Tony.  Gibbs raised an eyebrow, “And so can I, Boss!  See you in the morning!”

NCISNCIS

“Hi, Jay,” said Tony as he met Danforth outside the First Mutual Bank in Connecticut Ave.

Jay frowned, “Good afternoon, Anthony,” he said soberly.

“Sorry.  _Good afternoon_ ,” corrected Tony.  “Hey, thanks for doing this.”

“It sounds intriguing,” conceded Jay.

“Hope it’s not too _intriguing_ ,” said Tony gloomily.

“I beg your pardon?”

Tony gestured for Jay to precede him into the bank, “It’s just that … well, a while back, two of my co-workers opened one of these boxes and found a mummified hand inside.”

“Indeed?”

“Although it did have an emerald ring on one of the fingers … and the hand was holding a treasure map!” continued Tony a little more cheerfully.

“And are you expecting something similar today?” asked Jay.

“No,” confessed Tony in a tone of mingled hope and disappointment.

A few minutes later, Jay and Tony were alone in the secure room with the box before them.  The bank official backed out politely leaving them to their discovery.

“Here goes,” said Tony as he lifted the lid.  They both leaned forward to peer in.

The colour drained from Jay’s face as he saw the contents of the box.

“Wow!” gasped Tony.


	2. Chapter 2

“Where’s DiNozzo?” snapped Gibbs the next morning.

“Uh, don’t know, Boss,” said McGee.

“Find him!  Tell him if he’s not here in 30 minutes he can start looking for another job!  Going to see Ducky.”

“Do you think he means it?” asked Bishop thoughtfully once Gibbs had safely left the squad room

“Means what?  I’m pretty sure he’s going to see Ducky.”

“You know, Gibbs threatens to fire us if we don’t do what he says – you don’t think he’d actually do it, do you?”

Tim stared at her, “You want to put that theory to the test, Bishop?” he asked.

“Good point, Tim,” acknowledged Ellie.  “Any luck?” she asked as she saw Tim with his cell to his ear.

“Nope, gone straight to voicemail.  Like the three other times I’ve called.”

“It’s only just after 0800,” said Bishop in a reasonable voice, “It’s not that late.”

“Is in Gibbs time,” said Tim.

“Perhaps it was a box of diamonds after all,” said Ellie with relish, “And Tony’s gone to sell them!  Do you think he’ll bring in muffins?”

“What?”

“It’s just that if I inherited a fortune, I’d be sure to bring in treats for my co-workers.”

“Good to know,” said McGee.  “But Tony seemed sure there wasn’t going to be anything worth having in the box.”

“Perhaps it was a box of some unusual virus or germ,” continued Bishop, “And when the box was opened it was released and Tony’s been _infected_!  Oh no, not that I want Tony to be sick or anything, but it would be so cool …”

“Cold cases getting to you, are they?” asked McGee knowingly.

Bishop sighed, “I mean, I know it’s important and everything but ever since I left NSA … you know, _got out of my head_ , well, I need to be _doing_ something …”

“Something like solving Tony’s mystery illness?”

“Who’s sick?” asked Gibbs as he swept back into the squad room.

“Er, nobody, Boss.  At least, we don’t think so … we don’t know …” began McGee.

“We were wondering what was in Tony’s box,” explained Bishop, “Tim didn’t think it was going to be gold or diamonds and _I_ suggested there might be some hidden virus waiting to be unleashed … and then Tim said …”

“Get back to work!” said Gibbs.

“What?” asked Ellie.

“I hope that’s what McGee said, _Get back to work_.  _Is_ that what you said, Special Agent McGee?  You know, seeing as this is a federal office and not a ladies’ knitting circle?”

“Well, Boss … um … I was getting to that, but we were just chatting … I mean, _discussing_ … yes, _discussing_ where Tony might be,” said Tim.

“And what conclusion did you come to?” asked Gibbs frostily.

“Well, we hadn’t got much further than the gold, diamonds or deadly virus,” confessed Tim.

“But we were getting there,” said Ellie.  “… slowly …”

Gibbs’ eyes narrowed as he considered his response but, as his agents bent diligently to their work once more, forbore to say anything.  A few moments later, McGee said,

“Huh!  Turns out that Jay Danforth isn’t Jay Danforth!”

“What?” demanded Gibbs.

“His real name is Jehoiachin … oh, I guess I might go by Jay if that was my name,” conceded Tim as he decided there was less mystery about _Jay_ than he had thought.

“Er, Gibbs,” said Ellie who had also not returned to her cold case research, “Seems there was an incident at First Mutual Bank in Connecticut Ave yesterday.  Isn’t that where Tony was going?”

“What sort of incident?” asked Gibbs, preparing to dash out of the office.

“Not sure,” said Ellie frowning at her computer screen, “Seems that an ambulance was called, and someone was taken to hospital.”

“Find out!” ordered Gibbs, “And find DiNozzo!”

“I’ll call around the hospitals,” said Ellie, “Find out if Tony or Jehoiachin Danforth was admitted …”

“He prefers Jay,” said Tony mildly as he emerged from the door to the stairwell.

“What kind of name is Jehoiachin anyway?” asked McGee.

“He’s one of the kings of Israel … or was it Judah?  Can’t remember,” replied Tony, “He’s got brothers called Jeroboam and Jehoshaphat … his father was an Oxford Professor of Divinity …”

“Hmm, divinity,” sighed Bishop.  “I _love_ divinity.  My mom’s sister used to make it.  I’ve tried making it, but I can’t get it to taste as good as hers …”

“Bishop!” snapped Gibbs, “We’ve got more important things to think about than _candy_!”

Ellie looked momentarily mutinous at the thought that there was something more important than candy, but she had developed a fine sense of self-preservation where Gibbs was concerned and kept silent.

“Where the hell have you been, DiNozzo?” asked Gibbs as he returned to the main object of his displeasure.  He paused as he looked his tardy agent and saw that he looked a little wild-eyed and was wearing the same clothes he had left in yesterday.  “You look terrible,” he added.

“Yes, Boss.  Sorry, Boss,” said Tony running his hands through his hair and adding to the impression of disarray.  “It’s been … a lot has … sorry, I wasn’t … I thought I’d emailed you to say I might be late …”

“You _emailed_ me?” asked Gibbs incredulously, “You _emailed_ me?  Are you addled or something?”

Tony laughed an oddly hysterical laugh, “Addled!  Like an egg!  Yeah, you might be on to something there, Boss.”

“Tony,” said Gibbs in a gentler tone as he began to suspect Tony had been the _incident_ at the Bank, “Have you been on painkillers?”

“Eh?” asked Tony who indeed did seem to be displaying some of the odd behaviour associated with him and painkillers.

“We know there was some sort of incident at the Bank,” said Ellie with equal gentleness.

“Oh … oh, no, that wasn’t me.  That was Jay …”

“What was wrong with him?” asked Tim.

“He passed out,” said Tony, “He had a shock.  Think he bumped his head on the way down which didn’t help.  I went with him to the hospital.”

“OK,” said Gibbs deciding to be magnanimous now that he had all his agents within sight, and it seemed that Tony was fine except for the effects of missing a night’s sleep.  “Back to work then.  Although some of you,” he directed a glare at Tony to indicate he wasn’t quite forgiven, “Haven’t actually done anything yet.”

Tony wandered back to his desk, still apparently in something of a daze.  “Hey, McGee, can I borrow your phone charger?  My phone went dead last night … lots of calls … “

“OK,” said McGee a little reluctantly, “But I need it back … and don’t get it sticky like you did before.  Took Abby a week to get the residue off.”

“Relax, McWorrywart,” said Tony.

“I mean it, Tony.  If it doesn’t come back in perfect condition, you’re buying me a new one!  Understood?”

“Should be able to afford that,” muttered Tony with another burst of semi-hysterical laughter.

Tony had no sooner put his cell on to charge than it rang.  Gibbs sighed as he remembered the perils attached to Tony receiving calls and was about to issue a reprimand about attending to work.  In this case, however, Tony kept the conversation brief and, once the call was ended, turned to McGee,

“That was Douglas Albright,” he announced.

“What?” asked McGee.

“Remember the crime scene the other day?  You thought you recognised someone?”

“Yeah.”

“It was Douglas Albright.  You know, Douglas Albright.”

“Name sounds familiar,” conceded Tim, “Who is he?”

“Turns out he was following me,” said Tony.

Gibbs bristled angrily, “Why?”

“You really don’t remember, McForgetful?  McAntiquesexpert?” pressed Tony.

“Oh,” said Tim as the lightbulb came on, “ _That_ Douglas Albright?  _Antiques, Trash or Treasure?_ ”

“DiNozzo!  McGee!” snapped Gibbs, “Explain.  Now!”

“Boss!  _Antiques, Trash or Treasure_ is a TV show where people take their antiques to be valued.  Albright is one of the presenters,” said Tim excitedly.

“And why’s he interested in you, DiNozzo?” asked Gibbs.

“He lives in Hester’s apartment block.  He’d seen me visit her – he didn’t know my name, but he’d seen me arrive once in my NCIS jacket.  He caught up with me at the Bank yesterday.”

“And?” asked Gibbs, “Why was he following you?”

“He’d seen Hester’s apartment …”

“The place that time forgot?” asked Bishop.

“Yeah.  Well it turns out he said it was a _jewel of the Belle Epoque and Art Deco periods_ …”

“The what?” asked Gibbs.

“Ooh,” said McGee excitedly and informatively, “they’re …”

“Save it,” interrupted Gibbs brutally, “What did he care?”

“He said he’d like to do a show from the apartment.  Said it was as perfect a collection as he’d ever seen …”

“Is it valuable?” asked Ellie with a slightly mercenary air.

Tony laughed the odd laugh again, “Probably.  He said that making a show would probably enhance the price I could get for the stuff …”

“That _you_ could get for the stuff?” asked McGee sharply, “Did she leave it to you?”

“Yeah,” admitted Tony, “I didn’t think it was going to be worth anything … like I said, I thought it was a bit creepy.  Although that might be because it reminded me of my Great Aunt Lydia’s place in Cheltenham and she frightened me to death.”

“Wow,” breathed Ellie, “How much is it worth?”  She looked more closely at Tony in case he had indeed brought celebratory muffins for them.

Tony shrugged, “Don’t know.  Albright reckoned it could be tens of thousands of dollars … may be a hundred grand or more.”

“You don’t seem that interested,” observed McGee.

“Hester used to go to a community group for Seniors,” said Tony reflectively, “You know, they’d meet for tea and chat … have their feet done, swap clothes, be given a decent hot meal …”

“That’s nice,” said McGee, not sure why Tony was giving them an account of Hester’s social activities.

“I thought I’d give them the money from the sale,” said Tony absently, “They can do some good with it and I feel bad that I didn’t go see her as much as I should have.”

“That’s really … nice of you … and generous …” said Ellie, “Are you sure?  That’s a lot of money, Tony.”

Tony sighed and ran his hands through his hair once more.  “Gibbs, I think Ducky needs to start an infectious autopsy …”

Gibbs stared at Tony, “You sure?”

“Um, how do you know, Tony?” asked McGee, “You only just got in …”

“Ducky hasn’t said anything,” said Bishop, “You sure you’re all right, Tony?  You haven’t bumped your head or anything?”

“Autopsy!  Now!” announced Gibbs.

Tony stood up and looked around a little vaguely, “Er, McGee, come down to the Evidence Garage with me, will you?”

McGee was surprised at the polite request and looked to Gibbs for confirmation.  Gibbs nodded permission and then said, “What you waiting for, Bishop?  We’ve got work to do … we need to get this done.”

“What’s _this_?” muttered Ellie even as she randomly gathered some stuff.  A few moments later, as she and Gibbs were in the elevator she spoke more openly, “Er, Gibbs … you know we were kinda joking about there being some weird germ virusy thing in Tony’s box …”

Gibbs cast her a repressive look and simply grunted, “Huh.”

“Well, you don’t think there was one, do you?  I mean, Tony’s acting odd … well, odder than usual … and he said that his friend collapsed.  And now he wants Ducky to do an infectious autopsy …”

“Don’t know, Bishop,” conceded Gibbs, “But seems to me that Autopsy the best place for us to be.”

“Never thought those were words I’d agree with,” said Ellie under her breath as she followed Gibbs into Ducky’s domain.

“Ah, Jethro … and Eleanor,” said Ducky hospitably, “How nice to see you so unexpectedly.  Is there some particular reason for your visit or is this just a social call?”

Ellie stared at Dr Mallard in disbelief, did Gibbs ever just make a social call she wondered.

“You’re gonna start an infectious autopsy,” announced Gibbs.

“Am I?  How intriguing,” said Ducky calmly, “I wonder, would it be appropriate for me to summon Abigail to observe?”

“Wouldn’t hurt,” said Gibbs with a resigned shrug.

“Ducky,” said Bishop, “We … I’m worried about Tony.  He opened some sort of box yesterday – and a friend who was with him collapsed … and Tony’s acting sort of odd …”

“Dear me,” said Ducky placidly, “I would have thought that Anthony would be wary about opening things when he did not know the contents.  Although, I would surmise,” he added with a smile, “That the box was not marked with a SWAK so perhaps he did not take the correct precautions!  And where is Anthony, may I ask?”

“On his way,” said Gibbs, “He’s gone to the Evidence Garage with McGee.”

“I’m here, I’m here!” came Abby’s happy voice as she came through the doors, “Why am I here by the way?”

“Apparently, I’m about to perform an infectious autopsy,” said Ducky.

“That’s so cool!  But I don’t want someone to have died, you know but, if they did, then it’s kind of cool that they did in an _interesting_ way.  When I die – and I don’t intend to die for a _long_ time – then I hope it’s in an unusual way …”  Abby paused, and seeming to feel she’d been remiss, went to hug Ducky, Gibbs and Ellie.  “Where’s the body?” she continued.

“Don’t think there’s a body, Abs,” said Gibbs nodding towards Tony and McGee who were walking through the doors each carrying a box.

“Am I to understand,” asked Ducky, “That the contents of these boxes are the cause of my conducting an infectious autopsy?”

Tony nodded sheepishly.

“Are you quite well, my boy?” asked Ducky in concern, “Eleanor has been giving a somewhat alarming summary of your condition.”

“I’m fine, Ducky,” said Tony automatically, “Or I will be … when I catch up on some sleep … and when things settle down,” he added gloomily.

“Chin up, Anthony.  Things are rarely as bad as they appear,” said Ducky bracingly.  “Why I remember …”

“Duck,” intervened Gibbs, “I’d like us to get _some_ work done today.”

“Of course, Jethro.  Time and tide wait for no man … a fact that King Canute once had cause to demonstrate … but that’s a tale for another time.  And indeed, you may already be aware of the tale as it is …”

“DiNozzo,” said Gibbs, “What’s going on?”

“Well, you know … you see … well, Hester – she was my god-aunt, Ducky – you remember me telling you she worked for the UN?  It was sort of in her blood … her grandfather was a diplomat, quite high up.  Lots of important postings.  And she …” Tony trailed off and looked around worriedly, “Boss …”

“What?”

“Could you give me a head slap?  It might concentrate my mind.”

Gibbs complied with relish.

“Thank you, Boss.  That’s better,” said Tony ignoring the disapproving tuts from Ducky’s direction.  “I guess it might be easier just to show you.  Ducky, could you lock the door please?”

“I am only to ready to accede to your request, Anthony, but it would be helpful to know if I also have to take precautions against any airborne pathogens?”

Tony smiled tiredly, “No, you’re good, Ducky.”

“But you said that Jay passed out when you opened the box,” objected Tim.

“That was from shock,” said Tony.

“We’re federal agents, McGee,” said Gibbs brusquely, “Reckon we’ll be OK.”

Tim and Bishop looked slightly less confident but nodded.

Tony placed an NCIS evidence box on one of the autopsy tables, lifted the lid and drew out a leather covered chest.

“Ooh,” breathed Abby, “It’s beautiful!”

They all leaned forward to watch more closely as Tony opened the small box.

“Wow,” said Bishop, “I guess your god-aunt was really into her costume jewellery and bling.  This is lovely.”

A sectioned tray on top of the box contained two sparkly photo frames, a deep blue cigarette case, two brooches in the form of flower sprays, three small boxes, a tiny clock, a carved animal, a locket and some other necklaces.

Ducky, Gibbs, Bishop, McGee and Abby stared in silence at Tony’s booty and then Tim said,

“Does Albright know about this?  I’m guessing it could go in with the Art Deco stuff?”

“No, he doesn’t know,” said Tony.

“Anthony,” asked Ducky in a somewhat strangled voice, “Why do these boxes have a picture of King George V on them?”

Tony coughed, it seemed that the effects of the head slap might be wearing off, “It’s not the King of England, Ducky.”

“Ah,” said Ducky, “I did wonder.  The familial resemblance is, of course, very marked.  And the beards add to the effect.”

“Duck?” asked Gibbs who sensed something had happened which had eluded the rest of them.

“Anthony,” said Ducky, choosing not to reply directly to Gibbs, “Would I be right to say that the pictures are not of George V but of his cousin?”

Tony nodded.

“And who was his cousin?” demanded Gibbs in frustration.

“Nicholas ll,” said McGee as he remembered his history lessons.  “Tony, are these pictures of the last tsar of Russia?”

Tony nodded again.

“So?” asked Gibbs.

“So, Jethro, I believe … but with your permission, Anthony, may I handle one of the objects?”  Tony nodded yet again, and Ducky picked up one of the snuff boxes and looked at it more closely before laying it back down with a shaky hand.  “Good Lord!  And are all these made by the same hand?” he asked.

“No,” said Tony.  Ducky nodded with a mixture of relief and disappointment, “A couple of them are made by Cartier …”

“And who made the rest?” asked Gibbs.

“Karl Fabergé,” said Tony softly.

Everyone’s mouth fell open – even Gibbs had heard of Fabergé.

“You mean it’s not costume jewellery and bling?” asked Ellie.

“Well, I guess you could say it was bling,” said Tony understandingly, “But it’s all real stones, real gold … real everything.”

“But, how …?” asked McGee.

Tony seemed to be recovering his composure as everyone else lost theirs, “Remember me saying that Hester’s grandfather was a diplomat?  One of his postings was to Russia.  Seems that the Tsar took a shine to him and gave him some Fabergé snuff boxes.  Ffolkes got a taste for it and carried on collecting after he retired but he kept it quiet.  It got passed on to his daughter – my mom’s godmother and she passed it on to Hester.”

“This is … remarkable,” said Ducky at last.

“But you said that Hester was poor,” said Ellie, “How can that be if she had all this …” she gestured to the glittery contents of the box.

“I said she only seemed to have just enough money,” corrected Tony.  “There was a letter in the box in which she sort of apologised …”

“Apologised?” asked McGee and Abby in unison.

“She said she’d known what she had but didn’t know what to do with it all.  The bank security staff said she used to come visit sometimes and look at the contents of the box,” said Tony.

“This must be worth a lot of money,” said Gibbs with masterly understatement.

Tony smiled weakly, “Yes,” he replied inadequately.

“I’m not surprised that Jay fainted,” said McGee as he stared at the riches before him.

“Oh,” said Tony, “That’s not what made him faint.  Although he did go white.”

“Then what?” asked Ellie, suddenly worried that perhaps there _was_ some toxic germ involved.

“This,” said Tony as he lifted the tray to reveal another tray of brooches, cuff links, carved animals and bracelets.  With hands which were less than steady, he lifted a box that sat snugly in one corner.  He opened the box to reveal a gem encrusted golden egg which, when he pressed a button, popped open to reveal a number of golden chicks nestled within.  Tony cleared his throat, “Jay thinks this may be a missing Imperial Easter Egg … but anyway, it’s Fabergé.”

“And that’s when he fainted?” said Ducky.

“Yes.  I called for help and I put everything back in the box and took it with me,” said Tony.  He chuckled, “Jay nearly passed out again when he woke up in the hospital and found I had it all with me!”

“And you brought it to the Evidence Garage?” asked Gibbs incredulously.

“Seemed the safest place.  You know, I wasn’t thinking all that clearly, Boss.  Although, perhaps I shouldn’t have been completely surprised …”

“Why not?” asked Abby who had discovered an exquisitely carved miniature hippopotamus in the second layer of treasures.

“Hester’s mom gave my mom a Fabergé picture frame as a Christening present,” replied Tony, “It came to me when she died.  Don’t think Senior realised it was Fabergé!”

“You’ve got a _Faberg_ _é_ picture frame?” said McGee, “And you never mentioned it!”

“Actually, McGee,” said Gibbs who was returning to normal, “I reckon he’s got three plus a whole lot else.”

“But still …” said Tim.

“I haven’t got it in my apartment, Tim,” said Tony, “It’s stashed away in a safety deposit box.  It’s like my insurance policy … but it meant I recognised the marks when Jay showed them to me.”

Ducky cleared his throat, “And has your friend Jay given you any indication of how much this inheritance may be worth?  I trust that there will not be anyone else to claim possession of the collection?”

“Hester … and her mom and grandfather were organised.  There are bills of sale, letters detailing the gifts from the Tsar – no doubt it belonged to the original Ffolkes and he handed it on legally to his daughter and she did the same.  All legal and watertight.  No doubt it belongs to me.”

“And how much …” probed Ellie delicately.

“Probably millions,” said Tony, “And if it turns out to be a missing or previously unknown Imperial egg, who knows?  One sold in 2002 for nearly $10 million.”

“Wow,” said Abby, “Wow!”

“What are you going to do?” asked Tim.

“Well, get this stuff somewhere safe for a start,” said Tony, “I don’t want another night like last night, jumping every time someone came near.”

“Big decisions to make,” said Gibbs laconically.

“Indeed,” said Ducky, “This will be a life changing sum of money, Anthony.  May I offer my sincere congratulations and also thank you for trusting us to share in the knowledge of your good fortune.”

“Yeah, thanks, Ducky.  And I’d be grateful if you could keep this quiet,” said Tony looking at everyone.  “Abs, will you be able to keep quiet about this?”

“Absolutely,” said Abby, “No problem … or well, actually it _will_ be a problem ‘cos I’m kinda bursting here but your secret is safe with me.  Cross my heart and hope to die … well, not hope to _die_ but you get the idea.”

“Thanks, Abby.  Well, I guess I’d better get this to my own bank …  uh, Boss – do you think I could borrow Bishop and McGee to ride shotgun for me?”

“Sure.  And I’ll come too,” said Gibbs.

Tony grinned – it was the most Tony-like smile of the day as he finally felt on firmer ground.

The treasures were pored over once more and then gently returned to their resting place.  As the lid was replaced on the leather box, Ellie spotted something,

“Hey, what about the other box that you and Tim brought up from Evidence?” she asked, pointing to the box Tim had been carrying.

There was a suppressed groan among the others as they wondered if they had the strength to go through another treasure trove.

“Oh,” said Tony, “I forgot!  Figured finding I’d inherited something like this deserved to be celebrated.  Went to that muffin shop Bishop likes!  … oomph,” he gasped as Bishop recognised a true kindred spirit and hugged him fiercely.

“Come on,” said Gibbs tolerantly, “Let’s get this stuff put somewhere safe so we can get on with some actual work.  You know, that stuff we’re employed to do – if we can _unscramble_ DiNozzo’s brain!”

“Good gracious,” said Ducky as he watched the MCRT troop out, “I don’t know which is the more momentous: Anthony becoming a millionaire or Jethro making a joke!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congratulations to those readers who spotted the clue in the title! I’m going to leave you all to decide what Tony does with his new-found wealth.
> 
> Thank you to all those who have reviewed or taken an interest in the story.


End file.
